Today is Valentine's day so I thought I'd have a go at doing some of my own versions of 'Roses are red' poems (or whatever they are called). I sent them all out on Twitter for amusement of my followers. Some are a bit rude so best not to read on if you are likely to be offended. You've been warned!

I've written these today, using pen and paper. If they already exist in the world, I apologies for the coincidence.

So here we go, Roses are red...

Roses are red, with petals of splendour. Don't laugh out loud, at my tiny member.

Roses are dead, violets are ailing. Just like our marriage, mouldy and failing.

Roses are red, violets can please. Excuse the bad smell, 'tis me knob cheese.

Roses are red, I think you are cute. Divorce has come through, decree absolute.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, don't use the toilet, I've just done a poo.

Roses are red, I'm really cool. You're pretty fit, come play with my tool.

Roses are red, poems are silly, stop this nonsense, chomp on my willy.

Roses are red, kids are dejecting me. Thanks to the Lord, for the vasectomy.

Roses are red, look at my jeans. There's a bulge in my pants, you know what that means ;)

Roses are red, you're such a tease. I've bought you chocolates, so drop to your knees.

Roses are red, you should be thinner. What are you playing at, where is my dinner?

Roses are red, I like big tits. I'm browsing the internet, cupping my bits.

Roses are red, you want a good poking? Dressed in that onesie, you've got to be joking.

Roses are red, not to be crude, but let us skip dinner and just get nude.

Roses are red, a steak chips and peas. One bottle of vino, I'll have you with ease.

Roses are red, you're ugly as sin. Before we make love I'm having a gin.